So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alright, okay, what the hell-- This is quick acting, but this is long lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? They always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open, this is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain, it's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing, parts of him are on fire sometimes, lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"
“I love those small airplane bathrooms. It's like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, you close the door, the light comes right on. It's a little surprise party every time you go in.
And I love the sign in the airplane bathroom. "As a courtesy to the next passenger, please wipe off the counter with your towel." Well, let me earn my wings every day. Sorry, I forgot to bring my toilet-bowl brush with me. When did this Brotherhood of Passengers get started? "Did you lose your luggage? Here take mine. We're all passengers together. By the way, was that bathroom clean enough for you? I couldn't find the Comet or I would've had that crapper gleaming."
Assistant General Manager
“What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the top of the box. I think one of the fun things for them is to say, "objection." "Objection! Objection, your Honor." Objection, of course, is the adult version of, "Fraid not." To which the judge can say two things, he can say, "overruled" which is the adult version of "Fraid so," or he could say, "sustained," which is the adult version of "Duh."”
"To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're
working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the
strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only
reason that you're getting in shape is that so you can get through the
workout. So we're working out, so that we'll be in shape, for when we have
to do our exercise. This is the whole thing. The other thing I don't get
about it, is why we're so careful about locking up our dirty towels and
smelly jock-straps. What exactly is the black market on these disgusting gym
clothes? I give my car to any valet guy in front of a restaraunt because he
has a short red jacket, yeah he must be the valet guy, I don't even think
about it but my stinking, putrified gym clothes, I got one of these locks
you could put a bullet through it and it won't open. That stuff is safe."
“I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never quite sure, "Is this the best lane for me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can I get in over there? Could I get in over here? Could I get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zoomin' over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.." The ultimate, I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you can see gum clearly. So we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwords, I wonder? I mean, is that possible? That someday we'll be going 'Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This, is really bad.' ”
“What's this little scam the airlines have goin' now with these special clubs? Hundred fifty dollars a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this comin' to me... What am I paying for? How bout' an 'I got all my luggage club'? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, maybe if you would work a little harder...”
"For men, the transplant is the procedure of choice. The hair plug is an interesting process. It's really quite amazing. Hair that was on your shower soap yesterday can be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower, get his soap, rush it in to the hospital by helicopter, keep the soap alive on a soap-support system? Eventually they move it over, "We got the hairs, but... I think we lost the Zest." Sometimes a body rejects a vital-organ transplant. Is it possible that a head could reject a hair transplant? The guy's just standing around, suddenly "bink" -- it lands in someone's frozen yogurt."
"We never should have landed a man on the moon. It's a mistake. Now everything is compared to that one accomplishment. I can't believe they could land a man on the moon . . . and taste my coffee! I think we all would have been a lot happier if they hadn't landed a man on the moon. Then we'd go, They can't make a prescription bottle top that's easy to open? I'm not surprised they couldn't land a man on the moon. Things make perfect sense to me now. Neil Armstrong should have said, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for every, complaining, sob on the face of the earth."
Assistant Music Director
Assistant Music Director
“The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful glowing bride, and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over and she marries the next guy. Thats why the wedding vow isn't 'do you take Bill Simpson', its 'do you take this man'.”
“Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as
if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it,
it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not
everybody wants to draw that much attention to themselves, wouldn't it be nice
if you could have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? You know, somebody
tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?" I would like a car alarm
Assistant Publication Editor
“Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to get out of that skull, and go off on its own, it is now the vilest, most disgusting thing that you can encounter. The same hair. People freak out. (horrified) "There was a hair, in the egg salad!”
“To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
“Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? Tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring, you win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love... And could you be a little quieter next time, please, shh. ”
“I really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war was the last war fought in wig,
and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going in to battle, they think,
"Well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins?"... and you got to make sure you have
everything... lot more to worry about "What if I get killed? "Is my wig on straight?"
I don't know when the whole wig thing came in to style for men... but I know when it went out!
When the mirror was invented. No guy is looking in the mirror powdering a patch of horsehair
on his head going, "All right! Let's go rap to the ladies..”
Member at Large
Member at Large
“The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, isn't it? Why don't we just call it the 'half-conscious deadbeat with no job, home all day, eating Cheetos and watching TV' recliner? I mean, it goes back so far, that thing...I mean, it's like, 'Go to bed already! It's over! You're wiped!' ”
“ I love it when people are complimented on something they're
wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Well,
thank you. Thank you very much." The compliment is for the tie, it's not for
you, but we take it. That's kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for
us, because it's very hard to get compliments based on your human
qualities. Right? Let's face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody's gonna come
say "Hey, nice person." It's much easier to be a bastard and just try and
match the colours up.”
“I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. That is possible. But to me, the difference between being single and being married, is the form of government. You see, when you're single, you are the dictator of your own life. I have complete power. I can give the order to fall asleep on the sofa with the TV on in the middle of the day, no-one can overrule me! When you're married, you're part of a vast decision-making body. Before anything gets done there are meetings. Committees have to study the situation. And this is if the marriage works. That's what's so painful about divorce: you get impeached and you're not even the president! ”